What Happens When You Take Your Childhood Dreams Seriously

Please tell us your story.

I’d have to say my creative journey started at birth?! I was born with 5 Leo placements in my chart, ready to be a star. As far back as my memory goes I have always had delusions of grandeur. At 8 years old, I was using the hairbrush as a microphone to partake in imaginary interviews. I was making movies with friends as soon as I could lift a camera (they were VERY HEAVY back then). I did dance recitals convinced I was the next Britney Spears (if only I could sing). Always aware of a camera, I was already posing, my natural state. In high school I got fixated on film photography, collecting film cameras off ebay. I was obsessed with documenting, I always had some kind of film or video camera on me. No matter what we planned to do, I always shoehorned in a photoshoot when hanging with friends. Music videos, fake TV channels, horror movies, always parodying pop-culture concepts. If I was alone, I was making stop-motion movies with troll dolls or soap operas with Barbies. Instead of writing papers for school, I convinced teachers to let me make video essays instead (this was years before YouTube). I charmed my way through school and college, finding ways to do the least while barely passing. Unless it was an art class, my only As.

At some point I went off track, my parents convincing me I had to enter the “real world” and “make money”. In my 20s I was working part-time at video rental stores surrounded by all the movies in the world and fellow Seattle artists, musicians and comedians. I thought I was doing ok as a freelance designer/photographer/videographer, that I was working parallel to my dreams. I moved to Tokyo and Seoul and did it there too.

After 15 years of hustling and freelancing, I was drained. Burnt out. Broke. Still not knowing where I was headed, but it sure as hell wasn’t a red carpet premiere of a movie starring ME.

I knew I was subconsciously blocked by many things. During the pandemic, I did the Artist’s Way book with some friends and slowly reconnected with that inner child that was anxious to be heard again. A few tasks in the book shook up my blocks and reminded me of who I used to be, like how I used to decorate my childhood bedroom reminded me I should be living in a maximalist themed wonderland of art and color!

After a session with a prolific psychic who told me it was my destiny to be “world-wide famous”, I felt I finally got the permission I longed to hear. I didn’t know what to do at first, all I had was me and a camera. So I started doing self-portraits, using my skills to emulate what I idolized growing up, to see if I could do high-fashion editorials in my kitchen.

I’ve always loved movies, wacky interiors, kitsch, camp and pop-culture. Fashion, design and comedy are my anchors. So I am combining all of it. I have been re-decorating my apartment to feel like a movie set, I do stand-up comedy in Shibuya at the Tokyo Comedy Bar and I’m starting a YouTube channel about stylish, hidden gem films called “How To Watch A Movie”. I have pretty big plans to make a zeitgeist heist.

Last year I didn’t get booked for a single modelling gig. I decided every job I was rejected from, I would shoot my own campaign. I directed, modelled, shot, designed, edited, and wrote copy for several fake ads parodying brands like Rayban, Pepsi and Zippo. I became a one-woman agency simply out of frustration and spite. Don’t let anyone tell you revenge isn’t a great motivator.

I am pretty locked into 80s, 90s and Y2K aesthetics, as nothing has been good since 2002. It’s become clear to me that my mission is to start a stylish revolution (in a Trojan Horse of comedy) and to course correct the future to the one we were promised in 1999. NO MORE GREY INTERIORS!!

What has helped you get this far and keep going?

There’s been quite a few times I wouldn’t share stuff thinking “who cares” especially as the world has been a non-stop nightmare for years now, sometimes creating things feels frivolous or avoidant. But some long-time friends who validate my visions of grandeur keep me going. I feel I have a duty to others to show this can be done, living an artistic life the way you want to. It’s an act of rebellion in it’s own way.

Even a few strangers who’ve offered kind words has helped a lot. Knowing I have inspired others is a way back to my own inspiration to keep going. When you make stuff and put it out there, you never know how far the ripple effect will reach. At some point the ripple returns when you need it the most.

Plus, dollar store tape. Everything is held together by double sided tape and a dream.

Have you ever had a moment when you took a meaningful step forward in your creative work?

When I finally felt the permission from the Universe via psychic, it felt like the destiny I always dreamed of as a kid. I didn’t go for it right away as I had a lot of anxiety to work through (being perceived is such a bummer) but I took steps like setting up a patreon which helps me keep creating because people who believe in me are expecting a postcard with my face on it every month!

I’ve made a bold decision to go after my destiny in an exhaustive, expensive, late-stage capitalist world that is not kind to artists without a safety net. It’s been extremely difficult paying rent and bills and there’s been times I can’t afford basic living necessities (“cost of living” is an insane phrase I need everyone to reflect on), but as tired and stressed as I’ve been, doubling down on making more of my life dedicated to art and performance and to follow what lights me up becomes more important every day.

I’ve fought with my entire body and soul against the stream of societal expectations to avoid being crammed on crowded commutes. Working 9-5 under fluorescent lighting for someone else to get rich so that I may merely “exist” on this beautiful Earth is not what I came here to do. It’s always been important to me to show others we can live any life we want and to prove that, I need to do it myself.

When did you start to feel that you had grown?

Growth in terms of creativity… Growth as someone who couldn’t even call myself an artist because I had problems with how much societal stigma is attached to the word? Growth as acceptance of using modern tools like social media that I was not having fun with? Growth as in making connections in my creations, to make statements or stories with images instead of just posting hot pictures of myself in nice lighting? Growth in my approach of getting the work done and out of my head, to keep creating even if no one sees it, or it’s not received as planned? Growth in accepting my ideas are too big but to do what I can anyway? Growth as in “stop bitching just do the work”? I’ve been growing against my will, I kind of hate it but it’s necessary.

I recently figured out I have ADHD so I have been learning about my brain and trying to work with it. That’s been a major growth journey helping me navigate productivity and days where I want to do everything but can’t do anything, and to just be gentler with myself. It’s also given me a LOT of comedy material.

What is the moment you feel happiest as a creator?

It’s the part where I am cleaning up a big mess after I worked on something. I feel very satisfied that I made the moves to get something out of my head and really attempt to execute it.

I spend so much time in my head, maybe too much time. But that’s where my perfect audience is, giving me standing ovations!

I also love playing with the raw material and finalizing the vision. Editing can be overwhelming because there’s endless ways a photo’s colors can be altered, or word combos for a punchline to land more effectively, or takes to arrange in a video. It’s important to have a clear vision or the tweaking in editing will never cease. But once the vision clicks into place, I feel it intuitively and that’s a great dopamine hit.

Was there an experience that you now feel you might not have needed to go through? If so, did you learn anything from it?

YES UGH. Pluto was squared in my chart for over a year and a half and ruined my life. I really felt it was unnecessary cosmically for me to go through that. It was brutal. I was deeply depressed, financially stressed, and completely disconnected from the magic of the universe. I was being dragged through hell for some death and rebirth BS. I truly don’t think it was necessary for me to go through all that when all I learned was “you gotta post on tiktok more” or whatever.

I did relate to Bo Burnham’s INSIDE comedy special in a deeper, more meaningful way during a re-watch. Being tragically inexplicably unstoppably depressed but still needing to create despite it all had more impact. So that was nice. I have more empathy in that regard now, having been there myself.

How has creative work influenced your life overall?

Doing creative work just for me, just for the act of creating has dug an even deeper path that I cannot climb out of. The more I do it, the more I can feel what’s possible. I can feel the difference between obligations and doing things that give me more energy. It becomes harder and harder every day to imagine doing anything else when my visions keep pulsating with exciting energy.

“Doing what I can with what I have” has been my reluctant, bummer motto that keeps me creating despite limitations (money/space/resources). So I try to be easier on myself, that yeah, I can shoot a fake watch ad in my kitchen, but imagine if I actually had a budget?? I feel a lot of impatient, frustrated tension but just working to create something in general has helped soften expectations and roll with the act of doing, moving, making, no matter the outcome. I’m gaining more satisfaction just in the attempt of it.

What does Tokyo mean to you?

Everything. It’s been over a decade living here and I’m still grateful to be here every day. The art that comes out of this place has always influenced me growing up. I especially love the architecture, remnants of the bubble era, the hyper contrast, the convenience, the safety I feel here at night. It’s loud, it’s quiet, it’s magical. Never ending niche sub-sub-sub cultures, kissatens that time forgot, I pray to the kamisamas and collect all the lucky charms, jump on a train to shibuya, hang out with fellow artists and comedians, bask under neon lights of consumerism I saw from 90s anime, from old video games, I see the past, see the future, do my thing and get a salad at 2 AM.

Where else can you get a vegetable after midnight??

Is there a version of yourself in the future that you aspire to become?

Yeah, me just more famous. And less poor, please.

If you could give one message to your past self or to someone who is just starting on this path, what would it be?

Society doesn’t know what they’re talking about, reality isn’t real, nothing matters. If you don't do the thing you want to do, you will die and have to reincarnate and do this shit all over again until you do the thing. So please go do the thing that is begging you in your heart.